How We Create Our Relationships

(As always, none of the characters depicted here are actual patients of mine. These examples are composites intended to illustrate common human and relational patterns.)

Imagine two friends. The first friend (let’s call him Jack) goes to an event that he knows his other friend would have enjoyed, but for various reasons didn’t invite him. The second friend (let’s call him Fred) finds out through the grapevine that Jack went and didn’t invite him.

Neither man understands what’s about to unfold between them.

The two men understand that this has happened and both people know the basic facts: Jack went, Fred didn’t. Fred brings it up: “Hey, I heard you went to that concert this weekend?”

Innocuous on its face. 

But being friends for years, Jack knows that Fred is sensitive to hints that friends are distancing themselves. Fred himself has said that he “has abandonment issues” in conversations with Jack, and alarm bells about Jack deserting him have caused some rifts in their relationship before. Jack is usually considerate of these, but it’s made him a bit edgy around Fred.

“Yeah it was a super last minute thing and I knew you were busy.”

Jack responds not to what Fred is actually asking, but to what he suspects is underneath it: “why wasn’t I invited?” 

“Oh, yeah that’s fine,” Fred responds.

The air is a bit thicker than it was a minute ago. Both men have created this situation together, albeit unintentionally.

This “thick air” is the part of emotional life that lives not inside us as individuals, but between us in relationships. Psychologists sometimes call this emotional and psychological space created between them the “intersubjective field.” It’s the relational territory the two men constantly navigate together. They have these fields between each of their relationships, as do you. But the one between them is unique to that relationship and this interaction makes it quite apparent.

Now, Jack has a tendency to feel guilty and is sensitive to accusations from others that he’s done wrong. So...he acts in a way that makes him appear guilty.

Fred has a sensitivity to abandonment and becomes edgy when he thinks someone is drifting away. So...he behaves in ways that both push people away and invite reassurance that nothing has changed—even when something has. 

Jack believes that he was completely in his right to go to the concert with someone else. In his mind, he did nothing wrong. But truthfully, he didn’t want to tell his friend about the concert ahead of time for fear that he’d have to navigate some awkward requests to attend or hints that he should invite Fred. Jack wanted to avoid the conflict and guilt.

Fred is truly happy for Jack that he got to go to the concert, and actually wouldn’t have been able to attend even if he were asked—but he feels hurt that he wasn’t invited and doubts his friend’s commitment to their bond, despite years of friendship.

These dynamics…this particular intersubjective field…has just been reinforced. Fred’s previous sensitivity to Jack’s distance encouraged Jack to act in a way that made him appear distant—Jack’s discomfort with conflict led him to avoid mentioning the concert altogether, and then to sound defensive once it came up.

Fred feared distance, and created it. 

Jack feared conflict, and created it. 

Although these patterns began as a way of protecting important early relationships, they’ve now become a problem for this current friendship.

If you’ve made it this far, perhaps you resonate with some of these dynamics. Maybe not these ones exactly, but you find that you often create EXACTLY the situation you fear. These patterns often become self-reinforcing. And here’s the tricky part:

Usually it’s unconscious.

I don’t mean “hard to know that you’re doing it but if you meditated long enough you would see it.” I mean that you can’t access it alone. Sometimes friends help us see these things, but this is rare, and it often takes psychotherapy to really see these things clearly.

So, do you notice that the thing you fear most in relationships often seems to happen anyway? The complication is that these cycles can feel like proof that your fears were justified all along. What often goes unseen are the subtle, unconscious ways we co-create the very relational outcomes we dread. Just like Jack and Fred. Therapy can help make these patterns visible—not for blaming someone, but to understand yourself and get free of patterns that no longer serve you. If this resonates, you can book a free consultation with me here. And if we aren’t a good fit, I’m happy to help connect you with someone I trust.