The Warm Glow of Relationships

Relationships are like campfires: They keep us warm, safe, and help us find our way.

Being lonely is like sitting by an extinguished campfire on a cold night. It’s dark. You’re uncomfortable. Scared. Maybe ready to give up. This is what makes relationships so crucial and why I believe loneliness is a great reason to start therapy. Let me explain.

I work with a lot of lonely folks, men in particular. And–there are a lot of lonely men to work with. Researchers recently reported that 1 in 8 (that’s 15%) of men have “no close friends.”* The surgeon general of the US called loneliness a public health crisis comparable to smoking–and that was before Covid-19.** Since then, signs point to loneliness being even more common.

Loneliness is not just common–it’s awful. It’s an impoverished life. It’s physically painful. It’s a risk factor for death.*** Loneliness is like sitting alone on a cold night, with no fire to keep you warm. It’s not fun, and it can be dangerous. 

It often happens predictably:

Childhood was hopefully a time of warmth for you. Your parents, and perhaps other family members and family friends, provided a series of warm campfires to keep you company. Caregivers are usually the closest and warmest flames, but if you’re lucky, you might be surrounded by smaller but still warm relationships to keep you comfortable, safe, and calm. During childhood, these are fires that other people tend and from which you benefit.****

However, adolescence and adulthood can be quite different. The largest, warmest flames often transition to friends or romantic partners. Other relationships change too, as you or the other people relocate, as conflicts go unrepaired, or interest wanes. Hopefully you build new “fires” along the way and sometimes these grow from a pile of twigs into your most treasured sources of warmth and care.

However, this isn’t inevitable. Eventually, every relational flame extinguishes by time or distance or death. You must tend to them. And those partners, and friends, and family members must also tend to them. You must also replace the fires that you’ve lost, which many men find quite difficult.

Building relationships in childhood is easier–adults do it for you. Building relationships in school is easier–you’re all stuck together for hours on end. Building relationships in sports is easier–common goal, common interest, again stuck for hours on end. But building relationships in adulthood can be a challenge, because 1) no one is doing it for you, 2) you aren’t with people for hours on end, 3) you often have conflicting goals like childcare, exercise, sleep, groceries, and cleaning your home that all pull you from relationships. Navigating these challenges and prioritizing relationships that are so important, but which often don’t feel as urgent as the rest of life, is a common task of therapy. Being lonely in Seattle is especially prevalent, because so many of us work remotely.*****

Again, I work with a lot of lonely men. If you feel lonely and don’t know what to do: you aren’t alone. 

Going to therapy won’t immediately solve your loneliness (though the sole act of talking with a professional can ease it a bit). However, lots of men get less lonely after going to therapy because 1) you strategize how to meet people, 2) can “review the gametape” when you get stuck in relationships with a third party (the therapist), and 3) practice effective interpersonal relationships with the therapist.******

If you or someone you know struggles with loneliness, consider a therapist. Doesn’t need to be me, but therapy can help. Loneliness is a serious problem, one that causes life to shrink. It’s a problem that might make  you feel like it isn’t worth living. BUT–it’s also a problem that can be solved. It’s a problem that we can make progress on. So gather some twigs and let’s get to work.

-----------------

*https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/

**https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2017/10/04/this-former-surgeon-general-says-theres-a-loneliness-epidemic-and-work-is-partly-to-blame/

***https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-023-01617-6

****This is the tragedy of childhood abuse and neglect–the child has no ability to create or tend to their own fires, and so extinguishing the fire or burning the child with the flames is particularly traumatic. 

*****Obviously the same is true for loneliness in Bellevue, or Redmond, or Kirkland, or…you get the idea.

****** I tell lots of folks that they can flip me the bird and cuss me out and call me ugly and I’ll still show up the next week for our appointment–which your new Hinge date probably wouldn’t–so just imagine how safe a place therapy can be to take your assertiveness or expressiveness for a test drive. Therapy is a place to train for the rest of life.

*7: Wix doesn't support footnotes so I guess I gotta use less of these.