Self-Compassion Won't Keep You Down

Self-Compassion Won't Keep You from Flying

There’s a myth about self-compassion, and therapy generally, that it takes away your competitive edge. The thought goes that although you might be a bit happier, you won’t try as hard or achieve as much if you were kinder to yourself. This has been, understandably, a point of skepticism for some of my high achieving patients.

However, self-compassion actually allows you to stop wasting your energy on criticizing yourself and instead spend it towards something productive.

Think of it like this: you see a bird land on your roof and decide “hey, I wonder what the view is like from up there–I think I’d like to check it out!” But of course, you can’t fly like a bird. You’re stuck on the ground. Some high-achievers in this situation might berate themselves for being less capable than the bird, or try to flap their arms hard enough to make it, or to construct some kind of flying device that will help them ascend to the rooftop. Obviously, these won’t work.

The fear, and myth, is that therapists offering self-compassion might encourage the person to forgive themselves for their inability to fly and be content to sit on the ground. Watch the birds and don’t try too hard. But that’s not it.

Self-compassion instead clears your mind so you can forgive yourself for your limitations (e.g., not being able to fly) and mistakes (e.g., wasting time flapping your arms), and think of better solutions–like getting a ladder. Instead of beating yourself up, you can let that go and think about the problem at hand. Instead of wasting energy criticizing yourself or grasping at unrealistic expectations, you can get to work actually solving the problem at hand.

There’s a saying about humility: humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less. Self-compassion can be like that. Less energy against yourself. More energy towards solutions.

So yes, sometimes self-compassion and therapy help you realize that your high-achievement wasn’t serving you. Therapy may help you slow down, or achieve less, so that you can enjoy your life more. That’s possible. Sometimes the problem you are trying to solve either 1) isn’t solvable or 2) isn’t solved the way you were previously trying. But one of the greatest gifts of therapy, as I see it, is awareness and choice. 

Self-compassion can help you get off your own back so you can choose to achieve even more than you were before, should you so desire.